6.26.2023
I've been in a process of healing & reconciling many of my core wounds over the last 4 years. Waking up to the ways I've been stuck in personality & people-pleasing. How I've been controlled in the world - through others & through my own trauma & blind-spots. In some ways it feels like my body/soul has been on an organic journey of de-programming/over-writing & integrating these trauma programs which feels supported/natural - but man is it painful at times. I can look back on my 'previous' self prior to waking up. I've experienced so much healing/change & can more clearly see where I was struggling & how I was accessed or manipulated on multiple levels. I don't like to speak poorly of my previous self, I love her & it's an important practice to keep at it when I've been conditioned to hate myself, or blame myself. Although I can see errors I've made & when I can & it makes sense I will revisit I try to make amends with people - bringing a hurt full circle to be reconciled with another can feel like powerful medicine. Although this is often not the scenario, I can still find healing and release on my own terms. I have a lot of compassion & capacity for love for myself. I was suffering greatly in my life & I always did the very best I could. I like to imagine myself now as witness to her/me in those dark times, how fragile, lonely, sad & broken hearted I was. I wish I could hold her & give her a hug - tell her it was going to be alright. I do this visualization practice now when thoughts/memories occur to take me down, shame or guilt spirals. The looping thoughts are not mine.
As I began this journey so to speak I became ushered into/enmeshed in the New Age (NA) movement unawares. The New Age is sort of a net term for the non-religious but spiritual based information/practices that cherry pick notions/ideals/practices from a wide host of religions, rituals. There were founding members who created this concept that has spiraled The Theosophical Society/Helena Blavatsky in the 1930's being one of them. Being nebulous in definition makes it feel to me like I had more choice to explore & not be caged in by any particular concepts which I found appealing. It feels non-threatening or enclosing like religious doctrine can be & it appears to be evolving with the times - the internet being a huge proponent of this. In hindsight I was the perfect specimen - naive, inexperienced, lacking boundaries, impressionable & looking for a fix/savior. I was externalizing everything. Hoping to find the right guru or perfect practice that was going to help the pain go away. I was in deep grief & sadness - my physical life had fallen apart over the pandemic & all of my childhood & even past life traumas seemed to be bubbling up for air. It was intense but in the space of NA there was so much positivity, light, love, these supportive seeming & peaceful welcoming spaces. I ate it all up, but was never satisfied, always looking for the next and the next bit of knowledge that could be the key to my suffering prison.
I found my healing process wasn't anything pretty. It's been dark, ugly & messy and it wasn't too long before I felt like my experience wasn't matching up with some of these teachings, its wasn't that simple & I started to question these teachings in a more complex manner. Knowing little about this world I was in, I attempted to discuss my experiences & issues with 'trusted' healers. The answers were generally similar to focus on the positive, everything in spirituality was love, all of our pain is for our own evolution, soul reincarnation, just manifest your desires & we are on a path towards ascension to 5D. This also seemed to created a mental separation between those of us who knew we were on a path, and those who were not - also if you weren't able to manifest your desires/dreams then the problem was within you to figure out as everything comes from you. This statement can be empowering knowing you can change your life -- Although I believe this is only somewhat true. Our energy is used to manifest this world, but the dream of this world is not ours and our energy is being manipulated. I've also come to realize in my frenzied search for healing respite - that my (computer) mind is constantly seeking/wants more and more knowledge but the soul simply knows.
As I become aware of childhood trauma experiences which shaped internal negative beliefs & worked to reconcile them - its been wild to experience for example my father seems to have zero memory of saying or ever doing the things that harmed my sister & me. He has denied the hurts or minimized them. Not to say our childhood was bad all the time, it certainly wasn't a a terrible upbringing but there were some damages done. I've also noticed this lack of memory from others who have done/said hurtful things when I've brought up how I felt. Maybe it wasn't important to them when they said it so it was forgettable? I don't know. The more I experience & witness this behavior in others (and importantly in myself) I start to see that in our blind-spots our unhealed parts, the parts of us that have been shattered or unintegrated, by-passed, these shadow parts, unconsciousness - where we sort of dip out of reality for a minute/dissociate -- these vacant moments can become a portal or access points for the darker forces to enter & cause harm in the physical to all involved. Is it reflected of the persons unhealed trauma? Yes, I think so. Also often their insults seem perfectly targeted to my own core-wounding. It's so utterly perfect to cause misery. This appears to be just a part & parcel of this game & I do think it's through us and that we are accessible & this is one way we are controlled.
Part of the spiritual journey for me has included a reckoning & capacity to understand that true evil does exist in this world. I actually didn't want to acknowledge this for a time & there are many tactics to bypass this in NA thought. To reconcile there is evil so terrible I can't even truly comprehend it. I do believe humans really have pure & loving hearts & an incredible power when untampered with. It is difficult, but important to take responsibility for my capacity to hurt others and that I have done things that would seem and feel outside of my capability - things that are cruel, vengeful or jealous or evil? I started this conversation with my healers regarding evil/protection & what was needed on these levels, its basic - build a bubble around yourself, put psychic mirrors up etc., which is helpful but there is no real training or discussion/reconciliation of what the evil is permeating and essentially taking over our world. I mean, we have a problem here - do you see it too? I have always felt deep inside that this place is not right, that we live in an inversion of sorts. I have found in my process that it is important to embrace the notion of real evil, not bypassing it but to understand how it plays out in the world & more importantly how I am a vector for it. If I focus on the love and the light, then the evil somehow doesn't exist? I believed this thinking is dangerous for all of humanity & especially now. We must come to understand our enemy and how it utilizes us for its agenda.
I've started to see different negative scenarios play out in my life (from time to time) with friends or partner and I wonder how much of our essence is being hijacked, how conscious we were - in that disagreement which turned into yelling/frustration for example. I can apply a lot of compassion for myself and my other half as it appears we are puppeted for an agenda we are not quite aware of - if we have blind-spots. What about others on the world stage? How deeply are they controlled? What if much of our suffering isn't caused by our lack of understanding or lack of being but simply being manipulated through our unhealed wounding? I will continue my observations on this indefinitely.
In Love and light, lol.
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