2.25.2021
I experienced a version of psychological programming, an initiation, a spiritual awakening during 2020 within my reality. It continues to unfold even today. I've been piecing my experience together slowly - at times it was an intense, targeted & personalized dismemberment of my psyche, at others blissful expansion, light, expanded awareness. Often though my experiences contained both 'good' and 'bad' aspects happening simultaneously. This has made it hard for me to tease apart what's really happening & get clarity through the shrunken lens of dualism & the limitations of my mind and senses. This predicament alone has helped me in my practice of discernment & becoming more aware of my boundaries, my body, my mind. What is me, what are my emotions/feelings, what is other - this has never been clear to me my whole life. I'm starting to see what unfolded as nuanced - I have been toggling between the good & the bad aspects trying to make sense. Initially I interpreted it as a big positive event, a spiritual awakening - the second coming of Christ, my soul/star family. Now I see there was some hijacking, intentional confusion & manipulation of emotions. I do believe my experience was part of a spiritual awakening, dare I say ascension (the term is overused), but I was also targeted & perhaps sabotaged/hijacked/interrupted many times during this process.
I started receiving telepathic messages in Sept 2019 in the forms of pictures in my mind foreshadowing events to come. This was very confusing at the time and caused me a lot of worry, anxiety & sleeplessness. One image was a door - then the door closed, which internally/felt sense indicated my job was going away, this caused me a lot of pain and didn't make sense as there was no reason. The message was indicating an ending. My partner Chris & I got engaged in November on Thanksgiving 2019 in Hawaii while Chris was filming a movie, it was magical although I was struggling with deep seated anxiety under the surface. When I returned to the office, engaged I felt mixed energy, possibly jealousy. It was pretty typical for the department to throw people a little party for big life events, but this did not happen for me even though I had organized events like this for others, I felt disappointed and unseen. Early Dec 2019 I woke up & Chris sort of abruptly untangled himself from me, we'd always sleep spooning since we started dating every night, something was different on that morning and after he stopped almost all affection. No more spooning. This was highly triggering for my nervous system/abandonment wounding & very confusing. I didn't even know how to speak about it at the time. Activating core wounds. In late Dec 2019 I was basically demoted out of the blue without any context & it felt like all faith in my abilities disappeared & I was no longer supported at work. There was even this moment at work where my VP had asked me to speak to our group about this in a team meeting. I left the office & had a panic attack in my car - it was then that I saw in my minds eye a psychological 'box' appear & it felt like I was caged & reached a dead-end. I was devestated & this box image tormented me. This all hurt me very deeply. In early March 2020 I received another mind-image of a train track going along & then splitting in two divergent directions. There was an ore cart as the vehicle. One track continued up the mountain where I'd been heading, the other went inside the mountain through a fiery tunnel - I was now traveling into the hole on the mountainside. This imagery although surprising, didn't cause me panic. I interpreted these images through a spiritual lens of higher self development, the mountain can symbolize going within, finding the gems/jewels inside - but now I'm recognizing these images could also be used as mind-control/seeding, literally being 'mine-d.' Shortly after this vision - the color of the world shifted into cooler, bluer tones in an instant & it was made clear to me (we/the world?) at least I was on a new timeline. This was made so obvious when the pandemic began shortly after in full fearful force.
Events:
1. Pandemic begins ~2/20, I actually ended up losing my job 7/1/20, but was held in anxiety/fear on furlough for 3 months - I could not believe it I was the only one in my department let go. I had worked there for 8 years. I felt targeted. The reasoning for the staff reduction was claimed as financial but the exit process included a lot of gaslighting & blame which felt incredibly confusing & painful. A lot of guilt, shame & embarrassment programming was transferred/triggered in me. I lost community, lost almost all of my work friends - strangely enough seemed to exile me & some even unfollowed me from social media which is crazy! I didn't do anything to deserve this treatment, but it made me question if I was really the person I thought I was? Was I really some terrible person everyone secretly just hated? I was heartbroken as I worked so hard and loved my job so much and my friends there. It felt like I’d been living a false reality.
I have been somewhat sensitive to energies in my life, but was deeply asleep in my personality/programming. At this time more intuitive/internal messages & sensations started to flood/overtake my conciousness. There was sort of this 'Egyptian' overlay - connecting with Hathor and Isis specifically held me as I was truly emotionally shattered - I had no idea who these ancient goddesses were but the energy was familiar. The planet and beings from Sirius were entering my consciousness. Honestly I just wanted to go home and it felt like Sirius A may have been the place?
2. Looping thoughts, guilt, psychological breakdown, isolation - I'd never felt looping thoughts like that before, so intense. It was literally like someone made a terrible flip book of every single thing I’d done wrong, every mistake, every hurt caused or felt was replaying in my mind. This was intense suffering, a reckoning, it felt like I was purging karma. Lots of triggers in day-time life, lack of support from people all around me in various settings. It was like my way of being in the world no longer computed with the outside world.
I had a breakdown in the shower as I felt an energy overlay of the start of WW2 paradigm shift was deployed - when Germany suddenly changed overnight, targeted the Jews and everything changed - people changed. Shortly after this episode panic buying ensued.
3. My fiancé (who was my only human connection at the time) was working so hard, harder than ever before (he's a cameraman in the film industry working 15hr days or longer). I rarely saw him nor connected in meaningful ways to me - further triggering my abandonment wound. We were on separate pages and I wondered if he even really loved me or valued me when I didn't have my job any longer, as my job had been such a source of interest, pride & acknowledgement in my life. My parents sort of only really accepting me after they realized what I had become/created in my work-life. My family lives in other states - further isolation/breakdown. No real support system except for my sister via phone. I was mostly alone for over a year.
I want to add one silver lining to this whole scenario was that my sister who lives on the east coast (I'm west coast) connected genuinely for the first times in our lives. As we've re-traced shared family experiences & trauma - we have been each other's witness to strange occurrences, negative patterns & a lot of deep healing. It appears like there has always been a plan, or this energy there to keep us apart. I will do a separate article on this energy/experience.
4. My yoga studio was able to remain open, so I spent time there sweating & crying - further breakdown, religious influence and indoctrination. Since I was going into a physical studio my few friends left let me know they didn't agree with me attending in-studio as I could transmit diseases to them, this caused division, hurt & further isolation.
5. There sprung up this internal urgency (adrenals) pushing me to dive into religious (buddhism, yoga sutras, meditation, breath work) texts and books - all this emotional garbage was coming up & I didn't know how to process it. I started reading mostly new age books/information on energy, Hay House, Joe Dispense, Eckhart Tolle/Power of Now, etc., to self soothe. I started consuming all the books, podcasts, texts I could. I was lost & in excruciating pain/turmoil (New age was not something I knew about at the time but was being heavily influenced by this genre online). I was told (in the form of an internal knowing) the pain I felt was initially from the trauma of the pandemic/job loss - but then the bottom fell out & it felt like a burning up of Karma from all past lifetimes, not just this lifetime & there seemed to be no bottom to the suffering. A purification.
6. I sought energy workers/healers to help me process this muck and emotional garbage coming up, allowing access to my field. I did find energetic relief. One of my healers Diana became one of my only physical connections and influences during this time. I didn't have enough understanding/insight to how I was naively & dangerously opening doors - allowing certain people/energies access to me. My discernment was non-existent.
7. Words like threshold, void, surrender, initiation - were all words that would come up in my head. I was told I was undergoing an initiation & that this was all happening as part of a process for spiritual growth.
8. I felt a fracture/split internally - a battle began which was so fierce I thought I would be ripped in half or die. It was so deep inside. It felt like dark vs. light. Perhaps a battle for the soul? An ego battle? I felt like this for months. It was intense torture. I still don't quite understand what took place but my sense was that my higher self took over & dethroned my ego/lower ego.
I was shown (internally by thought seeding) the Bhagavad Gita - with Ajuna on the battlefield & at a great crux - this book is about overcoming & integrating the lower ego self and shifting into the higher self driving the chariot essentially and that this was happening to me.
9. One day when meditating I was physically sucked into the 'void' and was dismembered - void of all time & space, into the womb of creation, into nothing. This was so real. A consciousness floating in the void. My ego dismantled. My personality gone. A liminal space. I was held there for what felt like an eternity, there was no time. It was both beautiful and liberating and terrible.
10. In my day-time all of my family and healers all recommended the jab out of fear or the thought it was there to help or save us. We could then return to our lives! My gut said it wasn’t a good idea as it wasn’t properly vetted, but I was too weak to stand on my own. I was so beat down. My fiancé was forced into it through work agreements. Diana said she could wave the effects of it and I believed her. Another entry point/agreement.
11. I've never been prone to hallucinations nor have a history of mental illness. I was sitting on my porch in broad daylight 2/21 - when this being (a man, blue in color) floated into my space through a sort of round dimensional looking glass. He looked somewhat religious (or perhaps I projected him to be), he held a thick book. He had a blue star above his head and at his heart. He showed me - I looked & I had a glowing blue star on my heart center & above my head - indicating we were the same family or tribe or something. I thought I heard Pleidian, but my language of all thing spiritual/religious was so limited I may have been projecting. I didn't feel scared, except a little at first and he withdrew then returned. I felt like he was coming to help me. It was hard for me to hear him - but he said I was going to go through 12 nights of 'downloads.'
My social life had been destroyed & my main socialization had been limited to weekly sessions with my energy healer and yoga - this was the main channel of my life & meeting a religious character somehow made sense. My mind interpreted this as a religious experience.
This experience with this inter-dimensional being felt like I was somehow chosen after being in this emotionally and psychologically beat down state. I did want to be saved. There was a lot of bliss frequency, love frequency - it was so beautiful especially being in a starved state for love. Then a big white light came in and it felt like the Christed consciousness flushed through my body and mind, burning up impurities, it blasted my heart space wide open with so much white light/love I had to turn my face away in my seat, I was shaking, I thought I would burn up - I couldn't hold the frequency - I could feel the separation between this love and myself & I felt unworthy & shameful. I was told the second coming of christ would be within us/through us. I'm not a christian, but then all of this information about Christ, the fallen angles, the book of revelations, Nephilim, Enoch, the bible etc., was dumped into my consciousness over the next few weeks. There's so much more. This man stayed through the looking glass in the corner of my physical space for at least 6 months, then started fading away, he was watching over me. The stars stayed above my head and at my chest glowing bright blue for months as well, then faded..Of course I was the only one who could see any of this. He never made any moves to communicate or come closer after that. Overall, this made me feel good - although I was overwhelmed. My healers were elated, said maybe I'd write a book or become a channel and tried to connect us further..
I read my journaled experience of the moments I was contacted, but then my mind has created a slightly different interpretation. I believe some hijacking occurred through my deep wounding, need for recognition, feeling special/chosen, saved - I saw this man as John the Apostle or John the Beloved Jesus's favorite disciple. This was odd because I also didn't know who John the Apostle was & after the thought was seeded I had to go & google it to understand. He wrote The Book of Revelations, the separate & questionable end times book of Bible. I found this interesting article on Armageddon programming. So this is where I start to become perplexed - was my experience a spiritual awakening/contact & awakening energies/kundalini taking form AND OR/ALSO a hijacking/emotional manipulation/thought seeding taking place to derail my process? I have learned that this hijacking does and can happen. As you become brighter on the grid, they see you & will work to sabotage you from the higher states. Who are they?
11. When this was over I was in a state of bliss for a year. I was not the same person. I said I had a spiritual awakening, something had shifted. High energies were running through my body, I couldn't barely meditate as I'd go to such high feeling levels, it was disorienting. I started researching Kundalini awakening and shared many symptoms. I had all this wisdom & connection to new energies/realms. I had other ecstatic experiences & experiences of shooting up into divine unity/oneness it was so beautiful, this changed me forever. My consciousness did expand greatly.
Physically I was on my way to becoming a spiritual mentor, yoga teacher, reiki master etc..diving into all these things.
12. I partially fell into the trap of creating a spiritual ego after this event, I mean I did feel a little special, but knew to keep that in check for social acceptance. It felt like there was a purpose I'd be clued into at some point surrounding all of this, like I'd eventually be activated into my new role - which I longed for desperately. To know all this pain was happening for a reason, all the pain and suffering. I was very curious if other people had these types of experiences & this is what set me off on a quest for information and what it all meant. I started asking certain people/sharing and in hindsight this wasn't the greatest idea as I received a lot of convoluted feedback. No one I know has had this experience.
13. One night in 9/21 I woke up to see 3 blue beings, who looked more alien with elongated heads leaning over my sleeping body. I was on my back & they were pulling out or putting into my heart space golden chords of light. One had a look of surprise on its face as it saw I had awoke - and quickly blasted me with love frequency, disappearing in a poof & I fell asleep into a blissful state. We had just gotten a new puppy & he crawled right onto my heart space with his little body and fell asleep. Not much in my life has felt better than that moment, melting. This was just a few seconds of awareness of these beings - but this has stuck with me. I felt protected & like these beings were helping me.
Over the months I've revisited this experience and wondered who these beings were & how they were able to access me. How does any of this work? There was a sense of Sirius A, Egypt, Blue Lotus flowers..
14. The bliss started to fade in my body over the months. The highs weren't so high. I felt really lost and even forsaken at times which was very painful. In Dec 2022 I started reviewing & questioning these events as something wasn't sitting right within me about it. It was very hard to pinpoint what it was. I still wanted to be special & didn't want to believe I had been used in some way. Eventually when I would look back on the porch event I discovered a layer of love-bombing frequency coming from the external - not love...It's been so confusing to pick apart that episode. I also realized in a deeper way how Love-bombing has been used on me my whole life to manipulate me in all kinds of relationships - which I thankfully woke up to. I’ve been waking up to many tricks used to control and manipulate me.
15. So now I'm wondering what happened to me? Was it good, was it bad? Were parts good and parts bad? Did I have a spiritual awakening that was hijacked in some way? Should I just feel blessed, or am I being ungrateful in someway if these beings are here to help? Benevolent aliens? I'm still working it out & it's more like an unfolding and a knowing, a process. I’ve come a long way. I'm becoming aware of the ego traps of feeling special/chosen and the trap of The New Age - I speculate that if this is happening to me, it's possible that this type of event is happening to others..other people who are not in my circle. Will they see through the traps? I don't know how I woke up to it as I was sure my compass was shattered.
I wonder what is the point to this? Who was that man? Are they creating a new world religion of some sort? I've also discovered the dangers of the New Age with the love & light, the 'only good feelings,' a lot of spiritual bypassing & there seems to be no boundaries on materials or religions cherry-picked from for inclusion, twisted to fit whatever form needed. A lot of emotional manipulation. The second coming of Christ? Something much larger is happening. I think about someone like David Koresh for example & how he was told he was the 2nd coming of Jesus and believed it. Perhaps this is what happened to me.
It wasn't easy to peel away from these energies, as I questioned them I dealt with intense psychological torture and confusion used to throttle me. After this I'm aware of how they (whoever they are is not clear to me right now) can access me, attempt to program my mind, manipulate my emotions and body functions. It’s also become clear to me that certain people in my life are playing a role in my reprogramming. Some I've started to sever ties with and felt the immediate and intense psychological backlash when I pulled away. So much pain at the base of my skull, my right arm twisted an attachment point. I believe, but am not sure there is an 'agreement' you have to make to be accessed - however I never knew I was giving permission until now. I see much more.
I feel like I was under a spell that I’ve now broken. I'm continuing calling back all my power. No longer waiting for a savior - this was a huge trap that I believe was set up to dismantle me/my personality and install a new program, a spiritual ego/program of follow-ship and disempowerment. There may be a shred of truth that the second coming is through us - but not like that. This was likely the false light of Lucifer's creation. Again, it was so magically oriented to play on my highly engineered, degraded psychological state. I believe this event has been orchestrated & built up to my entire lifetime to finally get me to this place of weakness, implantation & agreement. I believe that true spirit doesn't communicate in elaborate flashes & manipulative emotional triggers but is much more subtle. Possible that the man was just a human in a lab coat accessing me through a portal.
I want to mention that as these layers of what I have known as hard reality begin to jiggle, to become more fluid, no longer solid; I am seeing the lies & I am reclaiming my power. I feel my power returning to me, I feel strong. A white pillar of light growing within. In hindsight I can recall now the feeling of my power getting sucked, drained outward powering other people & the game all around me. I am becoming aware that this reality (picture) is really a cover for something else, some energy at play, another story. The stories I see in day-time & identify with to make sense is inconsequential. It's so important to seek the underlying energetic signature of what is happening around me, to me - the people around me - what are they really saying, or doing. I am starting to see.
It’s funny I feel a lot of people wake up to the true nature of this reality through conspiracy theories and diving down that rabbit hole. I arrived through indoctrination into the new age trap. Some say we are in a spiritual battle for our souls in this realm, it feels true. I’ve come a long way in my process. In 2019 I was deep in my 3D life, consumed with work and my tiny life. I knew little of religion, energy, any of this -maybe that’s why I was a perfect target.
This video about 'initiation' really struck me as I no question when through this process unknowingly step by step. The same verbiage was used on me as they describe in the initiation/break-down and re-programming process. Truly fascinating.
Initiation Process:
1. Isolation for purification.' 'Transcending the mundane. (Mundane means of the world).
2. Suspension from normal rules of living. Majority of what initiate sees, hears, smells tastes is controlled. Enabling a new window to thought.
3. Forced to reconcile own reflection/shadow. Triggers detonated - another purge. Surrender. Sacrifice? Tangible/intangible. What was given, to get?
4. Training in new behaviors & knowledge (myths/codes), necessary for new members to function into the new society are imbued at this time. Repetition is typical. Wearing a 'mask'
5. Enabling suppression of ego to create an ego death, death of the old identity before the new program is installed. Disguised under a mask and hidden away initiate is transcend the self - pushed toward the physical and spiritual realms.
6. Trauma, personalize the fear of death. only after the initiate has been deconstructed can the initiate be reconstructed - born a new.
7. Executed in a purposefully confusing manner - rendering the initiate inability to make logical sense of anything. Disorientation is key.
8. Creates anxiety, removing the initiate further from reality and susceptible to pavlovian conditioning. Weakens defenses like a virus would. Potential to break down the individual, like a virus would.
9. Previous way of life is shed like an old skin. Change begins - 2nd phase. Transition. Liminal space. Purgatory no where land, VOID space, initiate dies.
10. A white room. A blank canvas. Re-programmed, re-processed. Into the new world which awaits at the end of the tunnel.
11. Final phase of the ritual - integration into the 'new world.'
Addendum 9.9.2023
My mother came to visit me in CA last week. My fiancé was out of town so it was just us two hanging out and spending time together. It came up during our conversations the above story to a certain degree and my mother was puzzled by my mention of it. I was confused and shared a little more about this experience to try and spark the memory of when I called her in 2021 and with both her and my father on the phone I told them about this experience and what it meant to me. I knew I was acting a bit strange and wanted to clue them into what had happened in a way and I was also quite a bit scared of doing this, being rejected or my experience gaslit in some way but I did it anyway. In the call they were very supportive (which was a relief) although in hindsight I am recalling they didn't really ask any questions or dig for details. My mom has absolutely no memory of this conversation - which is so weird as this is pretty ridiculously strange and certainly rememberable story, right? My mother later called my father and asked him if he remembered this conversation and he also DID NOT.
So what the fuck is going here!
I have felt isolated and like no one is listening to me, like they can't hear me. What is going on. I did feel and still do feel held in 'another space' or time.
Separately, I've observed this is not the first time people have 'blacked out' parts of their memories when I've shared my experience/stories of negative things they've said/done - perhaps being accessed/possessed by dark force/acting out their shadows & therefore dissociating in some way..
I wanted to write this down before I forget it too - to keep asking the questions and putting the pieces together. When I re-shared this experience with my mother she started to cry, she felt the love in her heart and felt like this was a good & fortuitous visit - not something dark/scary. I wonder if my father isn't programming my mother in someway and keeping her limited, I think he is. I see him.
Addendum 9.10.2023
I am working on breaking agreements (conscious/unconscious etc). I asked to be shown who/what is the energy behind the event on the porch.
In response I was gifted the mental replay/image of the 1982 Dark Crystal movie - the scene where the evil Skekis drains the essence of one of the innocent podlings by exposing them - while strapped into a chair against their will - to the Dark Crystal. There's this unveiling of a heavy stone gateway opening to reveal/expose them to the light. This image posted here is either from the newer release of this story, or a creative mash up but either way I felt it was fitting as it looks terrible and also quite beautiful/magical at the same time which is how the experience felt & perhaps why I have been so confused, wrestling with duality surrounding how to understand/process this event/find meaning. These Skeksis are grotesque, bird like, lizard like creatures & very evil.
This experience/process has catapulted me to really understand the 'duality programming' installed, how these beings are playing us from both sides and how I can continue to deprogram, understand the nature of the reality I am living in, set strong boundaries so I cannot be accessed/breaking all agreements here and how to transcend these mental limitations.
Addendum 9.12.2023
It's such a strange process of trying to discern the energy frequency and purpose of this type of experience. I'm at a place where its not clear again - it keeps slipping away from me - I feel like I've been brought up with so much negative attention, love-bombing and abuse I can't even see if this is love or an attack. How wild is that? I will continue to ask for clarity.
This video caught my attention in regards to the blue beings I saw when I woke up during sleep. Although she references a plasma like 'programmer' type.
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