Strange 4th of July & Beyond

 7.15.2023

    I am writing this in retrospect to events which occurred on July 3rd & 4th 2023. I have found that when I have an experience, it's taking me a while to process the layers of what has occurred and make sense of it. Often times it takes months or longer but I am becoming much faster at recognizing energies at play, intentions and access - I think! 

    My fiancé Chris & I had plans to meet up with a large group of his work friends on the 3rd of July at a lake in Mammoth, CA for a day of sun, water, fishing, beers. We have a place nearby & I've been spending much of my time up there this spring which has been really good for me to be in the more remote mountains, with all of the sunshine & water from the most epic snowy winter in recent history. It feels like I am able to get space from a lot of interference/mind control/pressure I receive at around our home in Oxnard which feels clutter-y sometimes - population, traffic lights and all the city electricity/frequencies etc. Being away from home I missed all of the 'June gloom' (cloudy/fog) which affects my mood negatively. During this last trip up north I became aware of several psychological and physical patterns in my life that were cording my energy including this internal intense pressure to over-work my body during vigorous exercise classes & breaking up with one of my healers Diana (I created a separate post on this experience with her - in which I didn't intend to break-up per say but it feels energetically like we did). I decided to take some breaks from exercise and enjoy more leisurely nature walks, hikes & sunbathing. I will say my body has responded in kind, less inflammation/puffiness & stress/anxiety have reduced. I even had several regressed memories/trauma memories release during Yoga Nidra sessions I practiced consistently for a few weeks. I think the hot yoga & kettle bell classes just became too much - I stopped listening to my body & was in my mind & following a daily routine, pushing myself. I developed tendonitis in my right elbow (tennis, golfers & lifters elbow), a pulled tendon under my pelvis (yoga butt) & right shoulder issues which have all been clearing up with rest -- also much swelling in my abdomen & chest/underarms has reduced greatly. I also am so much more hungry when I work out hard, it's hard for me to not overeat! I feel much better doing less! It was hard to stop all this movement (mentally I felt plagued with guilt) and now that I have stopped I can see more clearly & be in my body again. It's good for me to change up my day to day for this reason & evaluate whats really working. My fiance has issues with body dysmorphia that does present some challenges in our relationship and how he chooses to run his energy/workout schedule. I sometimes feel a lot of pressure to be active because of the pressure he puts on himself and subsequently on me too. He will watch a documentary about skiing, then internalize it and go really hard. Its a good practice for me check-in with myself and not people please/become too agreeable (which is a main survival method for me) but to really see whats going on,  to nourish me that day/what my body needs. It can be hard for me.

    So on this July 3rd day I was a little bit internally hesitant to get together with a big group of mostly unknown people - my gut wasn't excited but would have made no sense to decline. I generally feel some anxiety in large groups and sometimes I can drink a few drinks to try and soothe my nerves which isn't to my spiritual benefit.  The less I drink the more I see how much drinking can really derail me and has derailed me in my life and caused a lot of problems for me. This topic should really be its own article.  Since 2020 I've really stopped the drinking habit & changed a lot of my ways & coping methods. I have a deeper understanding of myself and more tools when I become triggered.  I drank to soothe my nerves and avoid much inner turmoil & find false confidence/courage. In 2020 I was forced to face this & in overcoming parts of these issues has created a feeling of inner peace which is more of my baseline these days. I've come to this notion having spent a lot of time alone. Now when I integrate with others  I actually have to work to change my behaviors in real-time and this can be more difficult sometimes. I no longer have a desire to drink, unless I'm with/around people! I heard it said they call it  'spirits' for a reason & I have become aware of how I can be accessed by other forces, or shadow-personality, or old trauma patterns when under the influence. I prefer not to open myself up like this for the most part and if I do drink, its really important to stay aware, in control of my emotions/self & not let myself get triggered or taken away. I can do this now. I also desire to make a good impression on people I don't know who are important to my partner & I want to have fun during my time with them. I think this desire to please people & be easy going can set me up to be more soft with my boundaries. 

    The day was beautiful and we had a great spot at the lake. There were maybe 6 couples there and about 6-8 kiddos running around. Interesting side note that in the last few weeks I had been personally asked by 3 of Chris's friends if we were going to have kids. I said no in general but that we'd figure it out if something unplanned happened. Each of these people have their own kids & said that if they could do it all over again they wouldn't have kids! That they love their kids, but somehow it's all not worth it? Strange messaging. It was past noon and I cracked my first beer when we got there. I figured I'd have a few and be sociable. Making my rounds and meeting the new friends, making small talk. When I first walked up, Chris's friend Matt introduced himself we have the shared passion for fly-fishing so we had lots to talk about. He asked me some questions about what I'm up to these days for work and I shared that I was working on some projects with my sister and he knew about my past at Patagonia from Chris. I mentioned I may be looking to make a career change coming up and he seemed to inquire further into what my passions/directions were. I even mentioned going back to school for psychology something I never mentioned to Chris but had explored privately. He said he was considering the same thing and I said something about how I was hesitant as I am getting older and how that was hard to consider going back, but he said 'how old do you think you'll live to be? That sort of put it into a perspective that I liked. Chris went off on a paddle board quest with a few of the guys and I was left with our 2 dogs on leash and a group of mostly wives and some husbands. One of my dogs weren't getting along with the other pups in the group and it was too hot to plunk him in the car, so I ended up hanging on the outskirts with him. Thats when I met Adeline. She is Matt's wife one of my fiancé's work friends and they have a daughter. She seemed super friendly, she's from Switzerland and we started chatting about lots of things but our conversation went pretty subsurface quickly. She helped me with my other dog by holding his leash. I had started my second beer at least, and found I was drinking a lot more than normal and it was hot! We didn't pack any lunch or snacks - I didn't think we'd be there for more than a few hours and I forgot about those essentials - I don't really eat that much during the day typically. Adeline & I made our way down by the water with the dogs, following the kids and when the kids departed it was just me & her down by the waters edge for what felt like a long time. Hours? Probably not but it felt like many hours. She sort of honed right in on asking some deeper questions about my life, my work, my passions, my job/time at Patagonia and I felt opened up and very inclined to share what I actually thought! Maybe I felt seen in a sense, that someone cared to understand my feelings & listen to me. I don't know why I shared so much. I think I am in actuality a little starved for attention in my life on some deeper levels. I don't expect for Chris to be able to fulfill all of my needs. I've come up against his edges occasionally on what he can offer as far as emotional support/vulnerability and it can be sometimes limited.  The combination of feeling seen, a little bit drunk & our conversation flowing somewhat naturally was a catalyst for me to break down some walls and share some deeper and even a little bit darker thoughts/ideas I typically never would. She didn't seem phased and we had a flowing conversation - but in hindsight it was really focused on me. Like I said it seemed like a lot of time went by. Then out of nowhere this very strange little boy with crossed eyes came out of no-where saying he was lost and couldn't find his family - he was babbling incoherently - we started walking with him & brought him back to our group. He stayed with us for a while and then some guy came up and sort of ushered him away - he didn't talk to us. I forgot about this completely until right now. That was weird. Maybe if I wasn't drunk I would have asked the man more questions or interacted with him in some way. That boy seemed very dissociated and very confused. Honestly in reflection I think something was very wrong. After this one of the other ladies we were with made a comment like - 'I haven't even had any time to talk to you,' indicating I was gone the whole hangout time - which I guess I was? That was kind of rude of me and I really didn't want to exclude myself from the group like that or hole up with only one person! My objective was to meet & spend time with everyone. I felt some regret and weirdness about my behavior, but also in hindsight I was sort held in a strange way by our conversation down at the water. Chris returned and everyone started to pack up & the hangout was over. 

Photo by me

Rescued baby swallows who left their nest too soon. I was able to take them to Wild Care Eastern Sierra where they will be raised and released. One died on the way to the center, another died a few days later from internal injuries, but two survived (6.20.23).

    There was some tension packing up I didn't understand. Chris was irritated for some reason and was lashing out emotionally (he does this, it seems like misdirected emotions when he's frustrated about something and if I happen to say the wrong thing, or ask the wrong question - his rage/anger/emotional eruption is then directed at me) - its very immature & unaware aspect of him. I opened the van and placed my open beer on the inside of the van wall and was waiting for Chris to load a few things while holding our 2 dogs on leashes who aren't great on leashes and one of them jumped up and of course knocked the beer over...Chris was super irritated by this & scolded me and I left to just sit away from him while he packed up the van as he is very particular about things and something he uses this function as a way to control me or make me feel bad. It's a weird thing & hard to put a finger on it exactly sometimes. When we got home I got the notion to vacuum the house and then mop. I dont know why, I think I thought it would be a nice thing to do - I just started doing it and when Chris came in he got very upset with me about 'how' I was vacuuming, he said it was crazy, very bad and sloppy. He then took the vacuum out of my hands as I was using it - scolding me again - and proceeded to vacuum and eventually mop and clean the entire house. This upset me & I didn't want to fight with him like this and I decided to leave. When I've been drinking there's just about zero I can say to get him to see my POV because he will gaslight me & I know my perception may be off. Extracting myself is a better choice, or ignoring him. I took the dogs and we went into the car on a little drive. I drove around the loop and down to June Lake Brewing and grabbed some more beers as this was where I was at in my mind & we were out of beers at this point.  I was drunk-ish but I still remember everything and I was still able to keep my wits about me. Internally things started going dark though. I started having some really bad anxiety about my relationship with Chris, I felt it was really mean/reactive how he treated me with the vacuuming & packing up. It was infantilizing & he does this sometimes & I hate it. I had some anger towards him about his inability to control his emotions in a mature way & take accountability for the way he makes me feel. I had made this delicious vegan veggie/green lasagna the day before which I put in the oven before I left. It was ready when I retuned. I made him a plate and gave it to him - he said nothing I can recall, probably thank you. I had my dinner alone in the kitchen and then I just went in the bedroom and watched TV on my own/in my own space. Chris had totally checked out on TV or fell asleep. I started watching season 2 of The Bear in our bedroom. This is when I started having a serious anxiety attack and really dark thoughts creeping in, attacking me and making me feel absolutely like a piece of shit-garbage. They were saying horrible things about me, how I was unworthy, I was trash, I was unlovable. This is why I am always alone, abandoned. No one will ever love me. They said I should just kill myself, what is the point of living any longer? Just to keep doing this dance over and over again? Just kill myself. I even made a gun with my hand and pointed it at my head to pull the trigger - multiple times. This thought stream just kept looping over and over again, wearing me down to bits and destroying my resolve and my will to live. This happened for hours. I wanted to just die. Chris came in around 1am and was grumpy and wanted to sleep so I turned off the TV and laid there for a while, then I decided I couldn't sleep and went out into the living room and turned on the TV and just continued this terrible looping shit journey & wanted to die. I did finally go back to the bedroom and fall asleep maybe around 4-5am. I felt mentally exhausted and sick the next day on July 4th. Chris woke up and had made plans for us to hike with Matt, Adeline and their daughter and this was the absolute last thing I wanted to do - mostly because I didn't sleep and was having loads of emotions surfacing, also Chris & I had had this weird interaction and that wasn't resolved. I was already feeling weird about them as friends anyway with what happened yesterday - I felt a bit vulnerable & accessed. I stayed in bed for a little bit after they left and then got up and took the dogs on a walk. I broke down in tears, crying and releasing some very deep latent emotions. Feeling very sad, alone, abandoned and I even at this point wanted to leave Chris and move back to Colorado and see my parents! I was in a very bad place. I definitely had an anxiety hangover as well, feeling frayed, tired inside and this was still effecting parts of my psyche/perception. I decided to get in the car with the dogs and I drove up to a nearby town to check out their 4th of July celebration. When I came back Chris and everyone was also on their way back to our home. I began making lunch and prepared myself for their arrival. I was feeling a lot of emotions toward Chris and really didn't want to see anyone but had to instead pretend like I was excited for company and I did this. When they all arrived they sat at our kitchen counter bar and for the first time Adeline took off her sunglasses and I was surprised that both of her eyes were crossed & moving back and forth, I had not seen this yesterday since it was sunny & everyone had shades on. Chris separated himself from us and laid on the couch immediately checking out on his phone, not engaging in any conversation - and I was left to entertain everyone at the counter and I made everyone lunch and talked to them. Again they went in with the deeper questions about life and what I was essentially doing with myself and what some of my deeper motives were. I was really happy for them to leave - I just wasn't in the mood for them or a conversation but I think I did a good job to keep the relationship. I did feel super depleted.

    I am fully able to accept responsibility for my actions and apologize or make amends for anything I may do that hurts someone & I even attempted to do this after our evening yesterday to understand how Chris may have felt. This is not first nature to Chris - the 'apologizing, reflecting or repairing.' I find it helpful/healing to repair, even though this never happened in my home growing up - I sense he doesn't quite understand the importance of this concept so much. We nonetheless were able to move on that day and took the van up to Bridgeport again to watch the fireworks and we had a good time. Even a sentimental time with certain Frank Sinatra songs we both find meaning in and Chris saying how much he loved me & holding my hand. 

    The attack from the previous day was really weird & interesting as I continue to unpack - there were certain events that pulled me in directions externally but then there was this incredible internal darkness which attacked me - it wanted me to kill me! I wonder if this is what happens to some people who do kill themselves, they just dont pull out of it, they actually go through with it. I traced this frequency of attack/feelings back to when I was about 8 years old and this same voice first came in, it wanted to destroy me back then in the same way. It said and used all the same dark tricks/words.  I had written down these same thoughts in a diary at the time - I remember I found it many years later and reading it I became very frightened had thrown it away. When the voices first started was when my Dad treated me in a similar way that Chris kind of does now - by not being in control of his emotions and overreacting  in ways that are hurtful and hard to understand - especially as a child, but still hurtful today with my wounding. BUT what I saw this time was that Chris did one thing which was really about him sharing his reality & control issues -- but then what happened to me was I internalized it & another thing was created - it was wildly reactive/disproportionate to what he actually did and then I suffered greatly at my own hands. It really felt like whatever was driving these thoughts/idea implants took complete advantage of my weakened and drunken state to infiltrate me and try and take me down, take me apart. It was a big lesson and a big realization on how I've been controlled and manipulated for many years with this internal voice. I used to be drunk a lot! This used to happen a lot! I'm not even sure I'm how I'm still standing here. 

That 8 year old girl who felt so alone, abandoned to her own pain, unable to regulate, feeling too unfairly treated & angry - split in the darkness of her bedroom. That angry, betrayed part of her that was very much rejected/unseen by her parents & told her emotions were so bad, unlovable - turned that rejection/energy into a somehow bearable feeling... a deep self-hatred, so much so she wishes she would die. It's crazy to think this feeling was somehow more manageable, more controlled than feeling the pain of abandonment or recognizing emotional immaturity & shortcomings of my parents? Wow. Thats how deep the pain is. It's like looking into an abyss. A very sad & twisted psychological space to be in, but I know I'm not the only one. Now that I see more exactly how this has occurred and have felt & witnesses it deeply - I can offer this dark and rejected part of myself love & acceptance. The splitting seems to have stemmed from self-protection in a way, but it's also quite beautiful & so incredibly sad.. I know I was just trying to survive & I didn't know how to process these big emotions. I could not understand the complexity of the situation I was in. I see the pain, the anger/rage unable to express & instead turned inward. How this has played as a theme throughout my life in all of my relationships and with myself. I honor this part of myself and I take her back. 

As I sit on my bed writing this post on my lap top, I pause and place my hand on my heart and think about my old childhood bedroom, about little me and I go there with her & I am there...with her, with myself...and perhaps this is how healing takes place and all time and space is transcended/collapsed. Today (7.19.23) when I was driving to LA, Chris wasn't feeling well and fell asleep and I fell into a trance of sort and time/space got really heavy like a fishbowl and there was this communion, a conversation with a very supportive and loving being...was it me? Was it the future me shining a reminder of love onto me that everything was going to be ok? This transition was necessary, it's guided, there is nothing to fear in the shedding of your old self and that it's safe to step into the light of your true beingness. Perhaps it is some other helpful/loving beings ... but maybe its me healing me in a quantum holographic universe - reaching out to myself through time & space with love. 

Addendum 7.19.2023

    I posted this article today, but have been working on putting it together for a few days since last week. I've been starting to have this thought about how I've been fairly defiant in my ways, headstrong, wanting to do things my way in this life & learning through my mistakes - its been very hard. I think there's some good points to this mentality (maybe grit?) but perhaps this thinking is keeping me from progressing on my path. Since the owls have come back into my consciousness (2017 car accident where I hit an owl, I'll make a separate post on the owls since they have played an very strange role in the last few years of my life at least starting 2017 to present) I have been recollecting what was said to me when I looked that owl square in teh eyes on the road before plowing into it at 90mph - it said 'SLOW DOWN' 'PAY ATTENTION.' Like I was missing some very important points in my life..it felt like a warning.

    I had a conversation on the phone with my mother this afternoon where I sort of let my guard down and shared with her some of my personal struggles & fears right now with some confusion & choices on what to focus or do with my life and although she didn't have the answer for me (I didn't expect this by any means)  I really felt supported and loved.  Maybe it's ok not to be at the tip of the spear and always winning/gaining, maybe its ok to be in this vulnerable questioning space and just allow yourself to be here without shame or judgement. I saw in this conversation how I turn everything negative that happens against me and instead of blaming the company who laid me off I place all the blame on myself for not being good enough, this isn't true. I internalize maybe too much of the experience.  I desire to get out of this space of uncertainty as quickly as possible & I don't think I have been receiving the lesson it's trying to teach me. I am still bypassing myself, the truth about where I am, what I'm doing, what I really want, instead of being vulnerable I continue to posture like I have it all together when I feel like I could lose everything if I don't get my shit together any day. I really want to get my shit together! I just want to get on my highest timeline, or at least a path to this. I don't think this breakdown just happened, I think it was a total rebuilding & a redirection. I am open to what the universe has in store for me. 

    So all of this said, I wonder if Adeline and even that little boy (both strangely with the crossed eyes) were somehow used to help orient me on the lake that day physically (time/space) and also to perhaps verbally help me get in touch with this part of me that just wants to be seen, is deep and vulnerable, that doesn't have her shit together and is questioning everything. I think it's important for me to honor that. Perhaps they were sent for my highest good & to help get me unstuck somehow. 

Addendum 7.20.2023

    I shared this story with my friend Corrin - we talk about all kinds of strangeness and it's really great. She was obviously taken by the conjunct of multiple things happening within the story but was concerned about Chris's controlling & potentially abusive/mean behavior. This was a wake up call & reflection on how I internalize abusive situations. Sometimes Chris reminds me of the worst of what my Dad was growing up - controlling, critical & mean. I realized I didn't do a good job of standing up for myself in this situation, I was so fucking frazzled and just wanted to be safe again. It's a quite a terrible place to be sometimes with Chris. Something has to change. 

    It's been coming up the abuse at the hands of Patagonia & how I have processed that as well and my patterns here. I see a pattern of self abandonment & will work to heal. 

Addendum 7.23.2023

    Thinking today that it's so strange that my life has rearranged in a way that I am in a sense back in my parents home w/ my Dad & dealing with his rage issues. I do feel financially controlled a bit by Chris and our living situation he doesn't lord that over me but he does sometimes. I feel anxious about it often that the scales are equal and I feel like I have no power at times to speak my truth because he's providing. This is such a similar dynamic to childhood. I feel like I am the one who has to compromise all the time, Chris does exactly what he wants/feels regardless of how his choices or words to this make me feel. He can be very selfish and insensitive. I know he has his own issues with intimacy in a relationship, perhaps a fear of losing individuality, abandonment as well(?) we have never talked about this. This week I have been thinking about how deeply hurtful it's been that he asked me to marry him, only to never want to talk about it again. This is weighing on me pretty heavy at the moment. I just don't understand and I feel like he's using my current work situation to push off a decision he's having some internal struggle with and placing blame on me versus checking in with himself to understand. I also dont think I want to marry or have a future someone who treats me this way.  He decided he doesn't want to have children after we had talked a lot about having them and wanting them, something changed about that too. This relationship may end up being a dead-end/black box. 

    I am losing both of my big toenails, they have been changing/dying for months and it's been super painful. It's really disrupted my yoga practice as well. This happened from skiing this spring. My boots became tight, or my feet grew a little bit over the last few years of Covid/not skiing. Chris bought me a pass, I didn't ask him to do this (it's very generous) - but I knew it would mean that he would leverage that to guilt me into skiing because he paid. When I put on my boots I noticed the issue and when I brought it up to Chris while we were on the 1st chair his reaction was pure annoyance. He seemed to think I was making excuses to quit. His friends Danny & Kelly were coming up to ski and the night before Chris gave me a big story/guilt trip about how he didn't want to hear any complaining from me the next day. This made me feel like a child, powerless, resentful and angry as my voice was not allowed in this conversation without some punishment from him. We did however had a really fun day - I didn't want to ski all day and ended up ducking out around noon to prepare apres snacks for all of us. I ended up injuring my big toes because of my boots. I now have a constant reminder right on my feet of where I didn't place a boundary and didn't stand up for myself when Chris was bullying me to comply with his wishes in how he wanted things to be. A few things Chris does not bring to our relationship - is patience or kindness or empathy. This is an example of what I get to deal with when I don't do what is right for me, I get hurt and I'm the one who deals with the hurt. Not him. I don't want to live this way any longer. 

    I'm also thinking about how when I do stand up for myself, or simply place a boundary with Chris and my boundary is not listened to/respected how my body goes into fear/anxiety because of my abandonment wound. It's like I have a double whammy effect - first to speak up and second to overcome the abandonment and deep sense of feeling unsafe/insecure in my relationship. The sensation is - when you place a boundary or voice your needs you get left/broken up with, abandoned to deal with your pain alone or completely left/abandoned. I have to work harder at standing up for my needs, voicing my needs, sharing my feelings, being courageous, being truthful and speaking my truth. I will do this. 

    More thoughts, on this scenario I find myself in with Chris - enacting my father's behavior - I realize I'm taking on the role of my mother. She tried to keep the peace and ignore/bypass what was happening in our family & pretend it was ok. She didn't have the capacity to fix anything & I dont believe my father was listening to her when she'd talk to him about what was wrong in our family or open to any feedback. I am sure she also felt helpless and abandoned. There was a lot of pressure on her to make it ok and she didn't have the ability to control my Dad of course. I guess she could have left him and took us with her - is this the only option? To break up the family? Wow, so here I am in that exact situation! If we had children we would bring them up in my exact generational family trauma signature/experience. This is sad.