6.15.23
Since late 2019 - mid 2022 I sought almost weekly help from a sweet natured energy healer named Diana. She specializes in Cranial Sacral, but holds a long lists of healing modalities & certifications. Her energy style is drawing from her training with cranial sacral but mixes angels, elementals, St. Germain, ascended masters, the violet flame, basically all the new age icons a hodge podge of all religions to a certain extent. I'm writing this today with so much insight & grace for my then self - who was deeply grieving & in a lot of emotional pain. Part of me was looking for a quick fix for my pain, for this long held trauma that was bubbling up to just go away. A part of me was looking to be held & I couldn't muster the vulnerability with my family, friends or partner to be this vulnerable or in hindsight honest. I felt I had to take care of it myself. I was too worried about acceptance, appearance & their reactions based on the past. She did just that - she held the space. I'd come in lay on her table & often times vent or cry. I felt like I could be vulnerable here - because, she was spiritual, so she was right with, eh God? She wouldn't tell a soul. I'd leave feeling lighter, freer & more capable.
I'd meet with her almost weekly & even though I was doing yoga every day, meditating, journaling - I had a lot to unload. I became dependent on our visits to help get me into a better energetic space and looked forward to the high, bliss after a session. In hindsight I unknowingly handed over the keys & responsibility to my energetic wellbeing process, thinking I was doing the work but was bypassing in a lot of ways. I fully trusted her opinions and direction, I put her on a pedestal in some ways that she knew better. To my own credit, I was and still am deep in a healing space. I'm still am learning & may forever be learning how to be in my body, becoming aware of my patterns, express and understand my emotions, addictions, coping mechanisms but I am committed to my de-programming layer by layer. Letting go and finding new pathways.
I think one of her greatest gifts and teachings for me was about how to 'hold space.' To create a strong and safe container for most importantly yourself - but if you are able, to support someone else's emotions - even if it's hard or triggering (or perhaps you're not so triggered as you've done inner work), so they can flourish, push their edges, or grieve and be truly free to create. Becoming a sound anchor that isn't depleting or taking.
She introduced me to a lot of spiritual information which led me down myriad pathways - to Kaia Ra, The Seraphim Blueprint, John Douillard's Life Spa, all the Hay House, Gaia TV, Reiki to name a few. It's a lot of the mainstream New Age books & teachings. I started a yoga teacher training and there came a ton of literature from Ashtanga, all the famous yogis & philosophy. I become increasingly interested in books and researching online spiritual information - mostly new age material, although I didn't identify it as such as I was unaware. I spent money on all kinds of courses, books, cards energetic tune ups, crystals. I was sure this was where the answers were & my new life was. I was feeling so much energy and light in my body - but I was also getting sucked into something I really didn't understand & only am starting to now that I'm out. One thing I notice Diana and I had in common was the searching for the next thing, I'd come in with some new book or practice and she'd have something she was interested in - it was never ending. All of this sounds very 3D, but additionally when you're swirling in all sorts of information, energies, bliss and release it's quite addicting as it's on so many levels. It's a powerful spell and The New Age is a program, a dangerous program. It's a mind control program. More on that in another post.
When I asked her about other healers she'd recommend she gave me a few names. One man Gene I did one remote session with was a precursor to what I believe now was a huge energy harvesting, day-time attack from some sort of extra-terrestrial beings. I'm still baffled and unclear about it all - it was so massive & so orchestrated. Was Diana involved in this too somehow? Who is everyone really working for underneath it all? I don't think most people are conscious of who is working through them. At the time when I shared my experience with Diana she was so thrilled and we worked to connect further to these beings. Only now, years later - I am picking up the frequencies that something wasn't right, I see that this may have been a big trap & an agreement/indoctrination into some kind of religious/second coming/new age re-programming. Then if this is true there's much larger implications here as I can't be the only one to experience this.
I was used to her nephew at the front desk, long hair super quiet, not a lot of banter just 'would you like to rebook & how do you want to pay?' Then her husband Bill started working the front desk at her office & getting more involved with her business. He was not an outwardly spiritual man, or a businessman, nor very emotionally aware man that I witnessed. He was a regular seeming guy, typical gruff construction worker dressed type-guy planted in a spiritual shop. Sort of an unusual vibe. After a session he'd be sitting there - I'd sit down in a half altered state to pay and he'd hold my card hostage as he talked and talked to satisfy his ego. Me wanting to be polite would respond and he'd be amused with me. He'd take forever with the schedule. Sometimes it would be another 15-25 minutes to get out of her office as she'd gone on with another client leaving us alone together in the room. I really didn't appreciate this interaction as I felt like he was taking advantage of me after a vulnerable opening - did he have no clue what we were doing in there? Sometimes I'd leave a bit mad, I'd question myself and why I'd allow this person to take up my time like this. This pattern was already coming to the surface in many other avenues of my life & I have become very aware of my deep people pleasing programs & being polite - at the sake of my own wellbeing or preferences. Afraid to offend or ruffle feathers, to share my real feelings. This is ultimately a programmed mechanism this realm & was implanted in my childhood. Digging deeper I don't always feel safe with men and sometimes feel my only option is to subtly manipulate and control peoples perceptions of me to gain acceptance, so that they like me and wont destroy me. One of those ways is by allowing them all my time & attention if that's their game. Don't I value my time? I would call his behavior energy vampirism at a minimum but could be cloaking something deeper and darker with their energetic set up. Also a call for me to tighten up my boundaries in a big way which I heard and began implementing with him. It's so disappointing when you stop pandering to someone's game and instead show up as yourself & watch how they change or become displeased. I didn't really have expectations for anything less with him knowing he wasn't the most aware individual. I also began to see Diana less because of this odd arrangement & how it made me feel.
I had started working tandem on some projects with my sister who is an interior designer - for some of her home builds and Diana asked if I could help design her new space. She had dreams of creating a crystal retail shop and I went over to her office twice to take measurements and meet with her and Bill about their ideas, she had many, which was several hours. I told her I'd design 3 different 3D options with the information she shared and told her my rate. I asked her her budget and she didn't know but it felt to relaxed I felt we were on the same page.
She started doing some small classes of various subjects like Aura Reading, or Tarot which I joined a few times but didn't find the content and application of the information very robust, or long lasting. I personally can't stand most group texts, especially when they are with people who you don't know, who have no consciousness of the effect of blowing up 20 people's phone's with messages. Thats how she tends to organize her group sessions, 10-15 people on a text and they're all chiming in about this and that and date and time mistakes. These types of behaviors have become normalized in our society & we're even expected to tolerate them since we don't want to be 'impolite' & leave - do not make them right. I'm not saying some group texts can't be super fun, but this one is not. I find her behavior here unaware & a bit unrefined.
When I was ready with the designs, I had fetched paint swatches & created 3 different mood boards, I reached out to her about meeting so we could review. I was super excited to share my efforts. We set a date and then it got pushed and pushed months and months went by. This certainly made me feel a bit deflated especially when they'd been so excited about it. Finally we set up a time to review all of my work I shared the designs, the mood boards and the color palates. The next step was to whittle down from 3 different concepts into the versions they liked, combine and redesign and create measurements for all the furniture pieces and fixtures (which I'd spec) & grab new paint swatches. During the meeting Bill became a bit defensive saying he could do the construction and how cheap it would be. Everything I proposed, he had a different idea or some change to make my design 'cheaper to him' whether it be materials or the design itself. It was an odd perception, as I wasn't proposing any specific material or furniture pieces. In some ways it did feel like he was combating me and it didn't make sense as I was hired to help them create their space essentially the way they want it, it's not up to me! On my way out of the meeting one of them casually mentioned they wanted to spend about $1000 for the whole project ... my heart dropped. My invoice was more than that and this was round one, I was planning on a round 2 at least to wrap it up for them & organize the project. With everything we discussed doing, I was so disappointed it became convoluted and I regretted my part in not pushing harder to clarify. This situation really triggered my childhood programming around money and stress. Dealing with my parents constant fear & shock reactions to things being 'too expensive' is this broken record & was hard living under growing up having no control, and a limited perspective. (To add, even to this day, it's non-stop. At our last family gathering I had to sit them down and ask them to be more mindful of this repetitive behavior as it was stealing from the moment of us enjoying a farmers market together). This invoice situation triggered my sense of self worth & asking for too much - just being a 'too expensive' wow those words are so triggering for me. Being too expensive is a personal reflection, whats expensive to one is not expensive to another its not a solid assessment of reality, but a reflection of ones own reality. However I find myself 'bracing myself' for the emotional onslaught to come as this phrase has beaten me down. This was a new business venture for me and it was already problematic, which crushed a part of my self esteem & my drive. Also, this sent me into ruminating and worrying about the outcome & managing relationships I cared about. I put in a lot of effort & I wanted to do a great job and it seemed like a failure. I also want to get paid for my time, but I also want it to feel good! I was in a crux. I had left without discussing the bill, as we had already wrapped the meeting with comments for the 2nd round. I called Diana and said we needed to get on the same page with the invoice and when I went in the office many weeks later (in the meantime I did stress about the outcome & worried Bill would be angry) - I shared with them the issues that it perhaps didn't make sense for me to keep working on their project if the cost wasn't in line with their expectations, or we can re-group on priority, come up with a solution, as I still of course wanted to help & I'd be flexible. I shared my current invoice and Bill's face turned red and he lost it in an emotional outburst. Diana shuffled me into her separate office and she said not to pay attention to him or share information with him. We worked it out. We did come to some terms & I got paid - it wasn't an ideal situation & caused me a lot of stress, anxiety & ultimately crushed me. I stopped working on interior design after this but wouldn't realize it for months. Although this story may seem like nothing special - whats notable is how intelligently triggering of my childhood wounding this all is to send me into a ruminating looping spiral on multiple levels.
Before and during the design project I did 2 levels of Reiki training with her and both times had anxiety prior and felt it wasn't right - but went anyway as I couldn't understand why I'd feel this way. For the training she has to implant or imprint the Reiki symbols into me and I didn't like it, I didn't know we were doing that. At the 2nd training Bill was there both days, on the weekend on his laptop YouTubing while we worked. No clients, no projects going on, just sitting there taking up space. Why was he there? Just feeding off of the group energy?? He also wouldn't make eye-contact or speak to me when I said hello as I walked in & this continued the rest of the training. I did not appreciate this childish behavior from a grown man, it made me feel anxious. It was almost like he was bullying me in a passive aggressive way. The whole thing was weird and after that I wasn't really motivated to be anywhere around him again.
She would text me every 2 weeks or so reminding me that I hadn't been in to see her in a while. I felt her grasping. Although I know this is a tactic she uses on others. I'd come in if I wanted to and feel this type of behavior is especially insensitive around energy healing. One of her last messages shared she 'got some new powers.' My thoughts were, this may entice me to come in? It felt really off.
After a gnarly set of 3 large group texts blasting off for classes I wasn't interested taking in June 2023 I texted Diana and just told her in the nicest way possible I wasn’t going to participate in classes for the time being & if she could remove me from the messages. I shared I was taking a break and I'd see her another time this included the reiki 3 class. She responded that 'I had been doing so well,' and I felt some guilt coming through which I didn't appreciate & was her own. She then asked me what I'd like to do with the money she owed me as I had agreed to a partial credit for services for the design invoice and I told her I was fine to uphold our agreement and it was up to her if she wanted to Venmo the rest to me or save it for my next session, it was all good. I dont care about the money per say, more important we both are feeling good. She never responded. The leftover money was maybe $200 or so..and even if it was more money - in context I have spent literally thousands and thousands on her services over the years. It's disappointing, but so telling.
What does it mean? All of these 'little' slights and events? Energetically it feels like I was corded into some strange energy vampirism/suck portal designed to derail my creativity and steal my power at a critical time at a minimum. Worst case she helped connect me with beings who manipulated, brainwashed and used me for energy harvesting. No question, I felt super intense psychic/mental pressure after my last text to her (no response) and felt like there were attacks sent which lasted for days. They caused a lot of mental suffering which was not my own.
In this process I've learned, but still struggle with giving my power away. The program of seeking external validation, not trusting myself, questioning my intuition, dismissing gut feelings is deeply imbedded. Not even feeling in my body or knowing what I'm feeling is something I have to sit with and unpack often as I am quite numb in some regards. I keep peeling off layers, to find new layers. I gave my power away to Diana to save me & fix me - as I thought she held some knowledge I didn't. She was the savior & she took up the mantle to play the role. This has gotten me into a lot of trouble in my life. As I step more into my own power I will rely less and less on the external & instead look within for the answers and wisdom I seek. In this situation I had very watery boundaries which helped to create these unhealthy and toxic styles of relationships and relating with people. Having healthy boundaries is key & putting yourself first.
I am calling back my energy and de-cording from all beings I've intentionally or unintentionally made agreements with and ripping up any contracts. I take my power back Now. I give them their power back Now. We part ways forever.
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I went sunbathing this morning & I felt like a dark layer of deep programming has lifted, leaving my consciousness. I'm starting to connect the dots on more energetic scenarios like this playing out in my current field. Sadly I feel like all of my friends and family get accessed at least in moments. I feel strong & steadier in my mind. As I pulled my shorts on I decided to walk back without my shirt on (I have a bikini top on) and packed my bag to walk back to our mountain condo. Right when I turn the corner I saw Manuel (for the first time on my trip and I've been at our place for over 2-1/2 weeks). He was used to trigger some of my deep wounding surrounding negative male attention, projection of lust, people pleasing to stay safe. He was our builder in our renovation project & I worked with him fairly closely - texting & calling many times per day for months. At one point in the renovation I was on my way up to June Lake to check in on progress. I had texted him about where to pick up the keys for the place I was staying, he texted me why dont I meet him at the condo, he got an expensive bottle of tequila for us and I can relax. Oh Lord, I was so triggered I had to pull off the road. I was shaking and called my friend Sarah for help on what to do. Part of me wanted to turn around and abort mission. I politely declined and he kept pushing me, then he guilted me with the notion he bought such an expensive bottle of tequila for me. In fact I think he contrived my trip up north to check on the condo construction as a way to get me alone. I felt so awful because I was staying at one of his places, of course he wasn't there, but I felt vulnerable and nervous he may do something to harm me. I've had men in the past harm me when they were rejected in different ways. I went up anyway and I did the inspection - it was contrived. He showed up 2 hrs later than planned. It was so awkward. I told him we should hold that bottle until the construction is done then we can all - Chris, me and him have a drink together. I never told Chris - I don't know why.
I dont know if he mistook my friendliness for flirting, or if he had his own agenda. Sarah said maybe he was just shooting shot? Anyway, that was another orchestrated event to trigger my deep core wounds.
If I'd have run into Manuel even yesterday I would have maybe gone out of my way to be nice and make small talk. Today he looked dead at me and looked away. He may not have even seen me. I didn't try to talk to him or get his attention, I just kept walking. Sitting in my neutral power, no reaction. My power felt strong. I was in a bikini top too! Funny how he was sent to test me, my boundaries and my triggers. Especially since I had just had that leveling up or release. This game is weird - but it is becoming more predictable.
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Clemdi sent me this yesterday -
"When Gandalf the Grey become Gandalf the White: Through fire and water. From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak, I fought with the Balrog of Morgoth. Until at last, I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountainside. Darkness took me. And I strayed out of thought and time. Stars wheeled overhead and everyday was as long as a life-age of the earth. But it was not the end. I felt life in me again. I've been sent back until my task is done.
You become The Divine Consciousness, Universe itself One Song One Symphony🙏🏻"
Today I thought of the scene in The Two Towers where Gandalf the White comes to Rohan & casts out the spell that has been keeping King Theoden prisoner & asleep. The base of my skull has been throbbing and tightening up on me all week, it's been so uncomfortable - it felt like I was corded from the base of my skull & out of the top of my head - sucking life-force.
This pain has also gone! The spell was broken!
Addendum 7.12.23
I wanted to add this bit in retrospect. The Shumann Resonance 6.18-20.23. It was shared the NAA mind control net around the earth was taken down by a group called The Silence. They are apparently mind controlling the NA! Ha I don't really know much about the details of this but I really felt this energetically. Big changes & shifts taking place.
Addendum 9.9.2023
I wanted to add an update that even now, although I'd told Diana my intentions she still texts me to come in and see her. Baiting me with the 'money' she owes me, or her new office. I will not go back to her and her New Age programming sorcery! She can no longer and never again access my field!
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